Thirteen years ago on a cold gray day in November I stood in a cemetery with my brother-in- law Chuck, his son Tyler and my two tiny daughters. We stood there bracing ourselves against the wind, and physically holding each other up. The tears streamed down the faces of my brother and I, the children just shy of 5, 4, and 3 looked up at us, confused, and a little frightened to see us so upset. We watched in disbelief and horror as they lowered the body of our beloved John into the frozen ground....we stayed until they filled in the dirt, slowly we walked to our cars, and drove to our own houses, that no longer seemed like homes. The shock of the sudden and tragic death of a perfectly healthy 30 year old man, full of the spirit of God, and overflowing with abundance of life and joy.....literally destroyed us all. John's parents, his sister (Rhonda), his twin brother and I could not look past our grief enough to lean on each other for support a healing. Instead, the pain turned us against each other, and within a year I picked up what was left of myself, my life and my dreams, packed up my babies and headed west.

 Over the next five years I cried, grieved, wailed and broke things. I ran and hiked, I fasted and I prayed, I literally ate scripture in desperation, and slowly God healed parts of my heart I did not even know were broken. I loved my job, my family, my mountains and my LIFE again; however, I was always saddened by the loss of not just my young husband, but his entire family as well. John's family held the keys to his story, a story I did not join until he was 23 years old. They had a piece of the history for Alexis and Emilie; a piece I could not give them, no matter how much I loved them.

Over the past year communication with Johns family started, forgiveness was given and received, emails were exchanged, slowly relationships were restored.

Then last weekend, Rhonda called in the early morning, their mother Shelby Hunt had lost a long battle with Parkinson's disease, and went home to be with the Lord. The moment I heard the message, the Holy Spirit whispered, "you are to take the girls and go to Michigan for the funeral". It is December, not my favorite time to go North, and every extra penny goes to Christmas gifts for my kids, not to mention the girls had finals. I was sure Gary would think I was crazy, but he was fully supportive. He agreed this was important and spent hours on the phone cashing in air-miles, and securing a rental car, I called schools, talked to teachers, and this last Saturday we were off to Detroit. Rhonda wept when she hugged the girls now young ladies, the last time she saw them they where preschoolers with "mushroom" haircuts. I cried when I hugged her as well, we both whispered, "I love you"....and we both knew it was more true than it had ever been. The reunion with Alexis and Emilie and their grandfather was by far the most emotional for all of us, not a dry eye in the house. Ron, just losing his wife of 50 years was holding his grand-daughters for the first time in over 10 years. I had always deeply loved my father in law, he was a proud, hard working man, yet faithful and strong like few men I have ever known. Few people knew the cross that Ron had carried tending to his wife the last 14 years; he is a hero to me in a much deeper way now. Ron fed, bathed, carried, and dressed his wife, he honored his covenant and wedding vows to the very end, and I wish him much rest and peace as he heals from yet another great loss.

 The girls loved their time with their "new-old" family; they were truly celebrated, just for being Alexis and Emilie. Any shame or confusion over the death of their birth father was dispelled, and for the first time in their lives they heard over and over what a great man their dad was, and how deeply he loved them, from so many others, not just their mother. We didn't just get our family back, but their wonderful spouses, and beautiful cousins, Kara, Tyler and now Chuck's three year old son.....little John!
I stood again in the freezing snow in a dark cemetery, staring at the grave of my first love, with a new mound of dirt next to him; Shelby was buried next to her sweet son. I think she would be proud, this time Chuck, his wife Angel, Tyler (now much taller than me), Alexis, Emilie and baby John stood together, united against the snow and the wind as a family, now and always....

My heart is heavy every time I talk to Gary; he is in Hong Kong debriefing our team. I first met these kids at training camp in Georgia in August. Their eyes were huge with wonder, and slightly intimidated by Gary (no one is ever intimidated by me!) We got to spend a week with them in Manila in September; they sat in the heat, and respectfully listened to hours of teaching. Without sounding too dramatic...they won my heart. For five days we talked, prayed, cried, and learned together...and they became my kids.

  To serve my spiritual kids, means leaving my own six kids.   One thing that was tugging at my heart was the realization that, no matter how wonderful the nanny's that serve our children are; my kids still need their Mommy. Of course they miss their father, but dads are supposed to leave, to go off to work, that is just what dads do. Your mother, however,  is just supposed to be there, to make your dinner, and to hear about your day, to make you hot coco when it is cold outside. Mommies were created to kiss your boo-boos, the ones on your knees and the ones on your heart. I don't think what you need from your mother ever really changes, all of this is just as important when you are six and when you are eighteen.

When Seth, Mike, and Gary all blessed my decision to travel less, and focus on my own children, I was relieved, and filled with grief. My little ones (Caleb and Noah) were thrilled that Mommy was not leaving them, my big kids did not say as much at the time, but my 17 year old "tough-guy" has been sending me "I love you Mom" text messages randomly throughout this week. 

 

I love teaching, I love traveling with my husband, I love the challenge, but mostly I love watching these kids come alive, and receive healing in their souls. I fear the racers will feel rejected by me, so many of them have been so hurt by leadership and mentors already. Not to mention, Gary and I are much more effective as a team than on our own. I know I am doing the right thing, but my heart still tugs.

I will feel torn either way.

This is the third time in my 18 years of mothering that God has asked me to lay down a dream, and serve my family. I am not sure what all this means, I am not sure why we have opportunities that seem like a gift from God, only to walk away from it, and serve HIM. in the most simple ways.  Maybe that is the point.
 


All I know is, I have fought hard for the health and the well being of the family that God has trusted me with, and as far as I know, I only get one shot....So I am going to serve them all day, everyday. I will cover them, physically and spiritually. I will go to every football game, and make Emilie tea after school, and kiss all the boo-boo's, inside and out....the rest is out of my hands, which is probably for the best.

No, wait this is NOT about me, sorry...

Anyway, I married my husband Gary Black many years ago because I saw his heart, and I saw his anointing and who he was in the spirit. Important fact here; Gary and I were together for years before I ever saw him preach, so it was not a huge stage that attracted me. He was in a very low place when we met having lost everything dear to him the year before, so it was not a "rock-star" status that drew me to him. I saw his heart towards his own children, and his passion for the next generation, I saw authority when he spoke....and I vowed to serve him the rest of my life. There have been times when I have resented his call...it comes with a cost after all. There are times when I have not defended him like I should to people who have judged him, because our life looks different, and most people just don't get it. There have been times when I have not covered him in prayer like I should, because I have lost sight of who he is and what he needs from his wife.

I am thankful for the last week with him in Manila, once again, watching him give his life away, for the call, for the next generation. He preached his guts out, he cried with the wounded, he slapped the boys and insisted they be real Men, and held little girls while they cried in his chest. 

Not everyone may get my man, not everyone may respect him or how he lives, but his wife stands in awe....Visiting him in his "office" reminds me of what his "job" requires,

It would probably do all of our marriages good to spend a day in our spouses shoes, our respect, compassion and love for them would likely grow....

I wonder if Gary will wipe boogers off my antiques tomorrow???

Gary and I have just met a whole new crew of brothers and sisters, in a little town called McGregor, Texas. 

If you want to find it on a map, it will be a little tiny dot just outside Waco. It is the hometown of our long time brother, Mike Paschall, who now resides there again in a "full circle" expression of Gods love with his fabulous wife, Ms. Patti. McGregor and its people are a great deal like their pastor, quiet, unassuming, humble and an absolute GIANT in the spirit.

Friday night Patti and I had the honor of speaking with the beautiful women, while the men went into the woods to find their hearts with Mike and Gary. We both brought a hard message and were both received with love and acceptance. 

Sunday morning standing in the mist of this body brought us to our knees; the worship was powerful, and very sweet. The message was amazing, Gary is hitting new levels in the Spirit and leaving me in awe watching and listening to him. After the "service" though was a memory and is now seared into my heart in the most brilliant way. 

Each Family took communion together, and prayed for one another, and husbands washed the feet of their wives and mothers washed the feet of their children. The ministry was real, the hearts were sincere, the people broken and hungry for more of God. All I could think was, "now this IS what church is supposed to be", how sad that we have missed it. How sad that we have made it about performance and built it on one man, instead of the entire body. 

This small body of believers in the town that most have never heard of is being promoted to do great things in the kingdom of God. They are aware however that that "promotion" is a result and a requirement of more "death to self", not celebrity and certainly does not come with out a cost. 

The Lord is asking them to live in community, to rise above all they have seen and all they have been taught to serve Him and each other and be better than, by laying their rights down....

After what I saw in them this weekend, I have no doubt they are on their way. Best circle McGregor on your map, there is a remnant there of humble believers that soon the entire World will know!

I am married to a Prince who serves me, adores me, and is my partner in everyway! He protects me, and in many ways spoils me. He is up before me everyday reading the word to our children and always wants me to sleep in, and brings me coffee in bed to start my day.

Tammy, thank you for loving me, you are a great and beautiful friend, and I love you too!

I have NO idea, but I am open for suggestions.....I have six children, and countless spiritual children, a girls' bible study, a home church, an intense international traveling schedule, and a really hot and relatively high maintenance husband. On any given week I have fourteen football practices, four football games, three taekwondo practices, and 4 dance classes. As well as an average of 2 to 4 houseguests, and sometimes 12 or 14! I change the sheets on seven beds, and do an average of twenty loads of laundry, and wipe disgusting things off of sinks and toilets. I cook a home cooked meal EVERY night, except Sundays, I am taking the Sabbath very literally these days! I visit Wal-Mart no less than 4 or five times a week, and strangely, someone will still leave me a note about something they absolutely HAVE to have by tomorrow or their academic or social life (if not both) will come to an end. I read and comment on hundreds of blogs and emails from past, present and future World Racers and kids all over the world. I have friends, family and projects in Africa that keep me awake at night. I workout 6 days a week, and run tons of miles and lift obscene amounts of weight by weeks end. It takes me at LEAST an hour to pray for all my children, it takes DAYS to pray for Gary (high-maintenance, but so worth it!) I have to prepare teachings, and continue to write. I try to spend time with each child individually, and look sexy for dates with my husband. I have parents and in-laws that are wonderful people and make no demands, and are in many ways neglected by me; yet never make me feel bad. Every night before I turn off my lamp ( or 1 or 2 in the morning most of the time) I make myself a to-do list for the next day, every morning I look at it and think ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

Meanwhile, I have young wives watching me, living with me, and studying me. I have many young women observing my life, at a very close range. I spend hours with the next generation everyday, whether it is my children's' friends or kids that we are mentoring or counseling, I am being watched.  Everyday I fail, everyday I let someone down because I can't give them the time or energy they need from me.  I do not do it all perfect, but I have no intention of changing any of it right now. I love my life, I love my family, I love my marriage. I have my share of critics, and I bless them and move on. (don't have time to worry about that, I have to pray while I am folding laundry!)

I have a great deal to learn, and no doubt I could do and be better in every area of my life. I KNOW there are areas where I need more brokenness, more depth, and more humility. I could be a better mother, a better wife, a better daughter and friend. I don't have all the answers, I don't have it all figured out, and there is NO ONE that knows me intimately and would describe me as "perfect".....but hopefully, I am described as REAL. With all my stuff, my scars, my failures, and a few accomplishments....all I really want to be is real, to be true, to have grace and bring the Kingdom in my own rushed and crazy way.....

My list for tomorrow, "do what is mine to do!" That's all, nothing less, nothing more...and that is good enough for now!

I was leaving a lunch date with one of my favorite couples, Steve and Nicole Brewer last Thursday, when my cell phone rang.  It was Gary who had just left the parking lot minutes before me, "your dad was in an accident, go to Memorial right away, I am almost there".  That was the only information I had, and of course over the 15 minute drive every thought possible raced through my mind.  It was after all my dads 66^th birthday, and I was planning on meeting him that afternoon to look at IPods to help him make the best choice. My dad is a huge music lover, and Emilie and I were excited to organize his hundreds of CD's for him.

Desperately, trying to drive the speed limit, my emotions went from tears and sadness to complete fear and panic, all the while praying, "Please God don't take my Daddy, not yet, we are not ready!"  Five minutes from the hospital I called Gary, "what do you know, is he okay?"  Gary was steady as always, my rock, today and everyday.  "I just prayed with him, he knew it was me, your mom is here, they are taking him to X-ray, all we know is he was hit by a  woman, she was drunk."

My sadness turned to rage, violent rage "make sure you keep her there Gary, I am pulling into the parking lot and I am coming to kick her BLEEP! If it were a man I would let you do it, but since it is a woman I will take care of it myself, who does she think she is trying to kill my dad!"

The front desk must have been warned a crazy lady was on the way, because they took one look at my tear stained face, red with anger, and walked me right back to my family.

My mother hugged me and let me cry, she was perfectly calm and graceful, answering questions from the police and nurses.  Gary let me rage and told me firmly to get a grip, dad would be fine, and we were not going to kill anyone today.  The woman had already been taken off to jail.  My mother was asking questions about the woman and wondering if she was okay, then the police officer told us that he does not know how she even walked to her car to drive it, she was so drunk.  My mother was concerned for this woman and how sad her life must be to drown herself in alcohol at one in the afternoon.  Gary suggested we pray for her, my sweet husband, my compassionate mother....and me, fists still clenched, jaw tight, ready to swing at anything that moved, fully sarcastic I smiled, "yes, I will be sure to make her a casserole and pray for her the second she gets out of jail"

 My dad is still hurting, his truck is trashed, he has not returned to work yet, this man has never stopped working since he was fourteen. We still have not celebrated his birthday.  I don't know the long term damage to his body; I don't know what will become of this poor woman.

  I do know that I have slept little since that day.  I have been awake since three this morning.  I was shown the condition of my heart, and it's not pretty.  What does it say when your first emotion is anger?  My responds to this accident is saying volumes to me right now about who I am, and deliverance I need... there is some work to be done here, and I know the only One who can fix me, is more than capable and willing to fix me, but first I have to humble myself....I hope this confession is a first step.....

We really can't blame the men for all this; I think the poor guys don't know what the heck to do. Success for men means financial success, business success, fame and fortune. The men that are hero's in our society are in truth, most times moral idiots...professional athletes and Hollywood celebrities that may be dripping with wealth, but are completely lacking in character, and actually what I consider more sad little boys, then men!

Then, we have what I consider "real men", like the man that I am married to, and the man that raised me. A real man, is often an un-sung hero.  The world does not celebrate the men who day in and day out choose to do the "right" thing. The men who are faithful to their wives, the men who never abandon their children, the men who work hard to provide for their families, these are the only real hero's that I know of. 

From Gary's Blog:

Last week the Gazette Telegraph, our local paper here in Colorado Springs called me and asked if they could interview my family about how the drop in the US Dollar affects our mission efforts around the world…

As we continue to raise personal support – work a few jobs and raise money for Nsoko and our other work around the globe; it’s good to know that people are aware and that we are in this together.

Pray for the missionaries and organizations that send them you know around the world today; there are some great people doing what they have to do to “Go”.

Of course they didn’t get it all right, and they left a lot out I wish was in the article; but they did get the World Race and Adventures in Missions in there and the picture of the BlackTribe is not bad!

You can read the article here – Life: The Missionary Challenge