I am almost DEAD!
I have thought recently that Satan was trying to kill me….I have been in the emergency room a few times, and the doctors office more than I would like. I have shook with uncontrollable chills and fever in the heat of Africa this past month….I have wept in my husbands’ arms because I was in so much pain….I have avoided the phone calls from my mother and my best friends’. I knew I could not hide the truth from them, and if they heard my voice they would worry. I did not want anyone to know my dirty little secret, how depressed, how discouraged, how overwhelmed, and how sick I truly was….I didn’t want anyone to know that for the first time in my life, I had lost HOPE…..I confess to you now that I have recently felt and said these words out loud “Surely God has forgotten me, He does NOT see Me and HE DOES NOT care!”….I am so far from perfect, but since I can remember as a very small child, I had always loved, known, and trusted God…
These are words that I did not even think, let alone speak when my first husband died, I did not say those words when my precious nieces were ripped from our family and handed over to a demon disguised as a human to be abused however he choose to abuse them….I did not say those words the two times that I started bleeding days after the pregnancy test was positive and Gary and I started to think of names for our unborn yet already loved baby, a baby, that was not to be…….
No, every time hardship hit my life, I STILL KNEW! I knew, no matter how deep my own pain, God was still on the throne, and all would make sense in time, somehow, I KNEW God would not only heal my heart, but use it for His Glory. This past year, for the first time in my life, I started to doubt His faithfulness, His love, His provision, and His power to heal, not just my mind and emotions, but my soul and my body….
This last six months I have been rendered helpless to BE Lisa-Marie Black, as I saw her, a wife, a mommy, a comforter and encourager…..many days it was all I could do to bathe myself, let alone cook, clean, check homework, disciple, teach, travel, speak and write…there have been days, visitors and conversations I have been told of, but I have NO memory of.
I still do not know the name of the mysterious disease that has stolen my life, my identity, my joy and my hope for nearly a year now…..I know the day it started, I was working out with Gary (in Swaziland) when a pain in my lower abdomen doubled me in half…I brushed it off and “pressed through”, and then pressed through some more like a good little solider…until I had nothing left……depleted in everyway, back in my own country a year later…..laying on my bed today telling God, as if He didn’t know how miserable I was….tears soaking my pillow, alone, I asked Him one last time…..
“God, are you going to let Satan kill me, is this how my journey ends, I hate this, I hate my life, I can’t stand the pain, I can’t stand being this weak….I CAN”T DO ANYTHING!!!!! I CAN’T DO ANYTHING!
All I heard Him say was, “serve your kids” (I was looking for something more like “take a nap honey, It will all be better when you wake up)…My children are sick and exhausted, sports, school, exams, projects and jobs have worn them out…..I have been embarrassed and 
ashamed of how much help I have needed to keep this house running…Gary is working night and day, never stopping to provide for our growing expenses. All that combined has filled our normally peaceful home with anger and resentment…..the “perfect storm” for everything we DON’T want it to be. I have not been loving them or serving them they way they have always known me to, I had just been distant, short, snippy, and not very nice.
So, I cleaned their rooms and bathrooms, did their laundry and left them all love notes on their fresh beds, telling them I wish I could do more to serve them, how much I loved them, begged for forgiveness for being less than pleasant in my pain, and left the rest up to the Lord. Strangely, I had energy to do it all, with…dare I say JOY…..still unsure of the point of all this, I was just happy to hear SOMETHING from God, seeing as He has been annoyingly quiet this past year!
Only Caleb and Noah were home, so we ate our chicken in the “fancy” dinning room, and put apple juice in wine glasses to have our own little dinner party on an ordinary night. And that is when God showed up….Caleb, (almost 12) and often over looked in a house full of loud and demanding teenagers and I started to talk….I mean really honestly talk, about the past, about our hurts, about the people that had abandoned him, how hard it has been on him to have the only Mommy he remembers to be sick, and not “present” like before. Tears of deep pain streamed down both our faces…and I COULD NOT DO ANYTHING,
But hold him, pray with him, beg him to forgive me, show him my true heart…..and trust that God was healing us both….and He did. In less than an hour He healed almost 10 years of pain and hurt and confusion in my beautiful little boy…..because, I COULD NOT DO ANYTHING, but let Him be God…..Now, I realize, Satan has not been trying to kill me, GOD HAS BEEN KILLING ME….all my pride, all my knowledge, all my performance….I am a dead woman, and somehow I know when I wake up tomorrow I will have more life to give than I have ever had before……This whole being DEAD thing may very well save my life, and my family!
Woah! Wow! Amazing! I love hearing what God is doing in you!!! You are an inspiration!
I will always remember this lesson. Thanks and I love you.
-Daughter #634-but still the cutest! (hahaha)
We are remembering you all here. Thank you for teaching us no matter where you’re at, and for allowing God to be God even when we misunderstand. I wish blessings upon blessing on you and your family. You are one amazing and beautiful woman.
We had no idea your year has been like this-filled with so much pain. Our family would do anything for you….let us know. (I’m used to death!) You are turning to pure GOLD, Sister!
I love you!!
I love you so much Mama Black! Though it has hurt thank you for letting God be alive in your own death. I love your dear family and am thankful for each one of your amazing kids!
Girl-I have been praying for you. I saw with my own eyes and felt with my own spirit how much God was using you to advance His kingdom. I was battling for you…felt like surely Satan was at work…and maybe he was behind some of the dismal emotions you described….BUT satan is no match for our Champion. God was obviously more at work…and He won! Praise God. I will continue to pray for you! I love you! Serve those kids…love your husband…and never doubt what a wonderful Kingdom influence you have on women everywhere!!!
Momma Black! Wow, sounds like you have been through a lot! Know that I love you so much & am so glad that God is faithful & doing awesome things in and through your family 😉
I love you so much Mama Black!
Amazing.
NO WORDS TO SAY!
YOU SAID THEM PERFECTLY! 🙂
I LOVE YOU LISA, MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!
LUNCH NEXT WEEK?
I can’t stop the tears. Thank you for being faithful. I love you.
Wow! I can’t keep back the tears and I am here at work with people in an out!! As a new mom, I have been experiencing all kind of emotions and questions. This story has blessed me beyond words. If I could just DIE to some of what I put on myself, I could LIVE!! Thank you Lisa. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Beautiful!
I’ve been learning more about Life…God…Being A Daughter these past months through all the struggles than if everything had been “peaceful” in your home. I’ve been blessed to be a small part of God’s glorious presence in your family’s life. You are such a blessing! (But I still wish I could pray all that hard stuff away!).
Thank you Lisa for being vulnerable here. I know we all have the tendancy to put our leaders on a pedestal and think they have it all together. I am learning that as amazing as you all are, you are still fighting the same battles and walking the same walk of faith as the rest of us.
I am incredibly greatful for all that you have imparted in my life and for the example you have been. Your honesty here is just as inspiring as all of the amazing talks you’ve given.
God, give us all grace as we are continually formed by your hand. Thank you for your mercy and your patience with us in the process. Thank you that no matter how much our flesh rises up when trials come, you do not lift your hand until the work is complete. Thank you Jesus.
This is about the 3rd time reading…I can not stop the tears from flowing…we all need His grace and mercy…you are amazing…love you and will continuing praying! Thank you for sharing. xoxo
Wow mama. Tears are streaming down my face as I read this. My friend Sarah has started writing a book called “Beautiful Death”. She was inspired while she was running on a fall day, crunching through the dead leaves on the ground. She thought, “How ironic that death can be so beautiful… and yet even MORE beautiful is what its dying for…”
I highly respect you Lisa Black and I love you so very much!
xoxo
Your vulnerability is beautiful!
This reminded me of the book “It’s Not About Me” by Max Lucado. Wanted to share these quotes from it (chapter 12) with you:
“Your pain has a purpose. Your problems, struggles, heartaches, and hassles cooperate
toward one end – the glory of God. “Trust me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue
you, and you will give me glory” (Psalm 50:15 NLT).
–
Is there any chance, any
possibility, that you have been selected to struggle for God’s glory? Have you “been
granted for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake”
(Philippians 1:29)?
Your faith in the face of suffering cranks up the
volume of God’s song.
The
blind man, Lazarus, and millions of others from a unique society: selected to suffer for
God’s glory. His light prisms through their aching lives and spill forth in a cascade of
colors. God-glimpses.
–
You are a testimony of His love, faithfulness, GLORY! Love you Mama Black!
Lisa, I am a friend of Andrew Shearman and thus have often “clicked” around to see how many of his Team were doing and delighting in the journey you are on. I saw this post today on your husband’s blog.
I hesitate to write. I have no platitudes. I have no promises to speak. I know of your hurt in part. My daughter has been ‘almost dead’ for the past 2 years – getting sicker and sicker. Doctor’s visits, tests, disbelief that she is really as sick as she says, hope that pops up only to find that – no, that is not the cure, money spent – sometimes unwisely, prayers seemingly unheard, etc, etc.
Added to that was our exit from a church and the loss of everything I felt I was or had to offer and the sudden and abrupt loss of all but a very few friends.
Not the life I had imagined in Him.
I have, though, found a Father who’s heart is bigger than I ever dreamed. I would have never chosen this path. My heart breaks for the years seemingly wasted. But slowly my heart is turned toward the One to who gathers up those seemingly wasted years and suddenly one day I look around to see the beautiful garden that he has grown in my life from what I thought was cast aside and steaming in a heap in the corner of my being.
There is light ahead for us. Suddenly my daughter has been diagnosed with a deficiency in Vitamin D. Seems something wiped out her ability to produce it in her body. After just 3 weeks of a high volume of this simple vitamin, she is laughing with no pain and gaining energy again. As far as me, I am learning to trust the Father’s heart and seeing him allowing me to work alongside of what he is doing in a few women’s lives
All this just to say thank you for speaking up. It is rare to find a woman of God who will actually be real and share in the midst of the storm instead of waiting for the triumphant testimony that so often is given only after everything has passed.
Blessings to you and thank you so much.
Dear Lisa-
Just thinking of you during your birthday week and wondering how you are doing.
Elysa
I came by to read because of a dear sister of yours, Ms. Patti. Thank you both for allowing me to share in this amazing story. Tears of immense gratitude.
Marty