Week long series...

 

In the last several months I have experienced deeper levels of deliverance I didn't even know I needed.  I have waited to post this, to see if it was going to stick. This is vulnerable to share, but I have the sense I am not the only one facing this battle...  

I have dropped the ball as a friend, a daughter, a sister, and as a wife, but my conviction over the life of my children is always been heightened…I am not saying I have not made mistakes, I am saying I am always hyper-aware of how my choices effect my children directly and indirectly.  It was this conviction that made me ‘wake up" to the condition of my heart; I do not want my children to suffer needlessly because of my pride. 

I have struggled with un-forgiveness towards a group of people for years now, and because these people attacked my children, I have justified my hatred.  I KNOW hate is unacceptable, but every time I thought I had victory, I fell harder than ever.  I tried everything, confessing to friends, I tried praying for the people, but I always started my prayer with what they needed to be forgiven for, (you know in case God was unaware of how evil they were and how righteous I was for praying for the filthy sinners.) Obviously, it was not a heart prayer, but a head prayer.  I wanted them to pay for what they had done, and it seemed their life was going along just fine, I wanted justice for the crime they had committed, and it seemed they were cruising through life unscathed…While I had spent years in the fetal position shaking from their brutal attacks.

I was still in denial that this was influencing every part of my life, or that a nearly 3 week illness may be directly connected to the un-forgiveness in my heart. No one knows your heart like your spouse, your best friend.  Gary has been patient with this journey with me, but a few months ago he tried a little tough love and said, "Take this to the Lord, only He can heal you" and he walked away, and left me alone with myself!  Sometimes the best thing we can do for the people we love is make them deal with themselves, and direct them back to the Lord. I hated that he was right. 

Again that night I hit my knees and ask the Lord to heal this broken part of me.  Not that I had not prayed about this before, this time I wanted to be HEALED, no matter what.  I opened my Bible and read a verse I had read thousands of times before, but this time it shot right to my heart. Matthew 6:14 "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. (15) But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" Wait a minute, is my eternity on the line?  These people that I despise are going to get the ultimate victory when I let my life and eternity is determined because of them?  No, way!  Even if your theology won't let you imagine going to hell for your hate or un-forgiveness, what about you're LIFE!  God was going to have to give me HIS heart for these people, because I honestly couldn't find anything redeeming in them. I needed a revelation of how serious this issue was…..continued tomorrow……